Posts by John Faisandier

Marriage is a change in your legal status

Marriage and civil Unions are significant legal acts that change your status in society.

They are highly significant our society makes specific rules and laws to regulate how they are done and how they are recorded.

Marriage does not belong to any specific religious tradition, but instead has been a part of societies for well over 3,000 years. Different religions have given their particular meanings to marriage and have enriched our understanding of the way that weddings are celebrated.

The documentation required to get married in New Zealand is administered by the Birthds, Deaths and Marriages section of the Department of Internal Affairs.

They require you to apply for a marriage licence which gives you permission to get married in a particular place (or a wet weather option) within a three month period by a designated marriage celebrant.

What is more important is that when you do get married (or civil unioned) this is recorded and will forever be a part of the way the state views you. Even when the marriage ends through death of one of the partners or through dissolution (divorce) your marriage is still part of your official records.

When you get married your status changes and one consequence of that is any will that you may have made prior to getting married is no longer valid. It is important to make a new will after your wedding. Talk to your lawyer or the Public Trust about making a new will.

These things don’t need to be scary but they do remind us of the significance that marriage has to society.

We are fortunate that in New Zealand we have a lot of flexibility in how and where we celebrate marriage. Not all countries have this same flexibility. You can create your own service and hold it at any venue you choose.

The only things that is required is that “During the solemnisation of every such marriage each party to it shall say to the other:

I AB take you CD to be my legal wife (or Husband) or words to that effect.”

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Joining families

While marriage is about you and your partner declaring your love and commitment to each other in a public way it also has a strong social and legal component.

You become a new legal entity, recognised in society as a married person.

Society sees that a legal marriage makes a strong connection between two families. Historically this was important for reasons of inheritance of lands and estates and royal titles, at least for the rich people.

When you apply for your marriage licence you have to supply your parents’ names and your mother’s maiden name. Today this joining of families is still an important part of our legal process.

Much more significantly for you though are the connections between your families and how you involve them in the celebrations on your wedding day.

How you express the connections between your families is over to you. Much of it will come naturally or be obvious when you take time to talk about it together.

This process begins with deciding who to invite from your family. This may include grandparents, great aunts, and uncles, cousins and other significant relations. One family may be really large and the other quite small. Some families are estranged and don’t want one group or another present. It is useful to talk to each other about all these things without judgement, criticism or disrespect. If you keep talking openly, listening to each other, and stating clearly what you want you will be able to work out who you will invite and who you won’t invite.

If family is part of your focus there are a number of things you can do to include them in the ceremony if you want.

Having the celebrant acknowledge them, and even to name highly significant people such as grandparents, great grandparents and those who have travelled some distance to get there.

There are a number of ‘traditional’ rituals that you can use to include family members. This may involve redefining traditional actions and giving them new meaning that makes sense to you.

In some cultures the father of the bride would give her away often accompanied by a number of cows, goats and other valuables, in other places the bride was exchanged for livestock and shiny objects.

In your ceremony the bride entering can be a highly significant emotional moment for bride and for father. Some people have both parents accompany them into the celebration space, and for others both bride and groom are accompanied by their parents.

You can use a number of other objects to symbolise the two families coming together through this wedding. You can use candles, water, rocks or plants to create symbols of what you are doing.

Some couples ask their parents to make a formal blessing, recognising publicly that they are letting you go to form a new family unit and promising to offer support and encouragement.

No matter what you end up doing I encourage you to be thoughtful and creative.

You know what would work for you and your families. Ask your celebrant for further ideas.

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